Once in the plane, he grabbed the very first seat he saw. After few minutes, the guy whose seat it actually was came and requested Santa to get up but Santa refused to do so. He called the airhostess. She too was unable to make Santa understand.

This continued for quite some time until it was time to take off. When the pilot heard the noise, he came out of the cockpit. He too tried to pacify Santa but Santa just wouldn't relent. The flight was getting delayed and every one was highly frustrated. Just then a young guy who had been watching all this from a small distance away, got up and went up to the pilot. He told the pilot that he could actually make Santa see reason but would charge Rs 100 for the job.

Pilot gladly shelled the amount. The guy then went up to Santa and wispered something in his ear. The result! Snata got up in a hurry and sat on his own seat. Everybody was mightily relieved. After an hour, the curosity grew better of the pilot and he emerged from his cockpit to ask the young guy as to what the trick was.

Young guy played smart this time as well and demanded another 100 bucks for the answer. Pilot happily parted with the sum. The guy quickly pocketing the money explained, "All I told him was that sardarji ye waala dabba Amritsar pe kat jaayega" (this boggie will be detached at Amritsar station).

Yes Minister!

Our three respected Indians, Vajpayeeji, Chandrababu Naidu and, of course, Lalooji go to 'narak' after their death. They are very sad as they are missing their people on earth. So, they request the devils to allow them to make a call to their relatives at their respective homes. The devils, out of respect for their high positions, permit them to do so.

First, Vajpayeeji calls his relatives in Delhi. He talks for 15 minutes and then passes the phone to Naidu. The latter also calls his state and talks to his wife for 20 minutes and gives the chance to Laloo. Now, Lalooji calls Bihar and starts talking to Rabri Devi. He talks for many hours. Soonafter, the telephone bills arrive. Vajpayeeji pays Rs 150, Naidu Rs 200 and Laloo Rs 50.

All of them are surprised how Laloo had talked to his wife for over an hour. Lalooji's reply was simple. He had made a local call to Bihar. How? "Arre bhai BIHAR to pahele hi narak hai" !

Another Chance

Banta Singh has been attending the Singh International Training College, a school set up to give the likes of him a chance to make it in the real world. For 10 years, he keeps failing this one class that he needs to graduate: basic math. The administrators want to get him out to make room for new students, but can't just give him the grade. So, they instead decide to ask him a simple math question at the graduation ceremony.

If he answers this correctly, he graduates. Sure enough, he fails the class again. But, this time he is called on stage. He is made to stand before everyone and the administrators say, "Although you lack one class for graduation, we have decided to pass you if you can answer this one question. What is two plus two?" Banta Singh thinks about it for a while and finally says, "Four." The crowd (Banta Singh likes) stands up in objection and demands, "Give him another chance!!"

Baseball In Heaven

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Bird Test

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the testwould be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying characteristic. The student looked at each set of bird legs.

They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now he had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He went to the professor's desk and said "What a stupid test!

How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked out the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door, the professor called out "One moment, son, what's your name?" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said "You guess, buddy! You guess!"

Follow the trail

Once Banta Singh was watching an English movie in a theatre. Banta was getting bored, so he stood up from his seat and went to smoke outside. Prior to this, he had got up from his seat about a dozen times terribly disturbing many in the way.

This time when he came back the man sitting next to him told him that if Banta got up again once more he would thrash him for good. Banta finally had to agree.

Suddenly after 15 minutes, Banta Singh got a call from nature. He was to get up but the guy next to him just wouldn’t let him. So he picked up the empty plastic water bottle and relieved himself.

As the movie got over, Banta Singh left the theatre and by mistake carried the bottle with him. When he got out of the theatre building he realised that he still had the bottle in his hand. He was not able to find a dustbin.

So he plucked a hole in the bottle and went off towards home carrying the bottle in his hand.

On the way some one asked him,"Where is the xyz cinema hall?", so he said, "just follow the trail behind him!".

That's Strange

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.

However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer" "But that won't let people know who it is," protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.

"People will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"

Spelling Test

"You're looking well, young Hubert", said the visitor heartly.

"Yes, I am, aern't I?" agreed the boy."Especially as I've just had angina, arteriosclerosis, tuberculosis,pneumonia and this is, aphasia, hypertrophic cirrhois, and eczema!".

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the visitor in concern, "to have had all those things at your tender age."

"Yes", the lad agreed. "It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had!"

All Change Here!

A boy and his father, who were visiting from a third world country, were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. (elevator doors) The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life.

I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Quick, go get your mother!"

The Blonde And The Police

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send a BLIND policeman!"

The vacuum cleaner saleman

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that shit, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that ? "

The Salesman says, "Why do you ask that ? "

She says, "We have just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

Banta the clever businessman

Banta Singh who happened to be clever businessman had to travel to Punjab From Delhi along with his friend Santa Singh. Banta Singh being clever businessman was given the charge of booking the ticket.

He used his business tricks and called up the Railway inquiry and got the timings and fares for Delhi-Punjab, then He rang up the Inter State Bus Terminus and got all the bus timings and fares for the same journey.

"Buses were found to be cheaper than rail", he informed his friend Santa Singh and advised him for the Bus journey. However, after few minutes he called on his friend again told him to wait until he makes few more inquiries. The next he informed Santa Singh that they would go by train. Santa Singh was surprised "Why? the bus journey is cheaper", he replied.

Banta Singh then replied without batting an eyelid, "I used my business sense and made further inquiries and found out that the railways pay higher compensation for death caused in an accident than State Roadways.

Santa Singh goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash

his hands but starts washing the basin instead.

The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?"To

Santa Singh replies,"Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai,'Wash Basin'

".

**************************************************************

Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first match on the

seat of his pants, but it wouldn't light. He tried another. It wouldn't

light.

The third one finally lit. He lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match

out and put it in his vest pocket.

"What for did you put that match in your vest pocket?" asked his friend.

"That's a good match. I'll use it again." answered our friend.

**************************************************************

Once Santa Singh sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks a bystander as to

why

are the guys doing what they are doing.

The bystander: "A Marathon race is going on."

 Santa Singh : "What do they get from that?"

Bystander : "The winner will get a prize."

 Santa Singh :"Then why are the others running?!"

**************************************************************

Then there's the one about the  Santa Singh who brought his binoculars to a

funeral where they were going to bury a distant relative of his...

**************************************************************

The  Doctor to his patient: "It's very important that you take

this

medicine exactly 30 minutes before you feel the pain."

**************************************************************

There were these two  twins who looked so incredibly alike, that

sometimes they borrowed money from each other without the other really

knowing about it.

**************************************************************

One foggy evening two friends   Santa Singh and  Banta Singh went out walking.  Santa Singh  was

holding a flashlight, and suddenly he said to  Banta Singh : "Why don't you

just climb up this light-beam when I am holding the flashlight upwards

like

this?"

BSanta Singh  looked at him and answered, "No, I can't do that Because if I

did, you would just turn off the light, and I would fall down."

**************************************************************

Dr. Banta Singh  was so afraid of bacteria, that he cooked his

ice-cubes

before he put them in his drink.

**************************************************************

Q."How can you recognize a surd in a submarine?"

A. "He is the one with the parachute on his back."

**************************************************************

There was a man  and his name was ' SANTA SINGH NANGA '.Everybody used

to

laugh at him, tease him for having such a name. Once in a friend's party,

the host introduced SANTA SINGH to others saying " Meet my old friend

SANTA

SINGH NANGA ", and the whole party burst into laughter..

 Santa Singh  could not take it any more and decide to legally change his name.

He went to the court and appealed to the judge:

 Santa Singh  : "Judge saab, mera naam sunke sare hass de ne. Tussi sunoge ta

tussi

vi hassoge. Mainu mera naam badalna haijee. "

Judge : " O nahi-nahi ! Koi gal nahi.. Tussi apna naam dasso.. (bolo)"

 Santa Singh  : " Mera naam hai "SANTA SINGH NANGA" Judge saab also starts

laughing..

Judge : " Koi gal nahi.Koi gal nahi. Tussi yeh batawo : Tuhanu kedanava

naam

chahida hai ?"

 Santa Singh  (After thinking for a while):

"BANTA SINGH NANGA"

**************************************************************

LETTER FROM  Santa Singh's  LOVING MOTHER

Pyaarey puttar Vahe Guru. I ' m writing this letter slow,

because I know you cannot read fast. We don' t live where we did when you left

home. Yourdad read in the paper that most accidents

happen 20 miles from home,so we moved 20 miles away.

I won' t be able to send the address as the last man Sardar Balwinder Singh who stayed here

took the house numbers with them for their new house so they wouldn' t have to change

It even has a washing machine,situated right above the commode. I' m not sure it works too

The weather here isn' t too bad. It rained only twice last week.

The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt

said it would be a little too heavy to send in the

mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off

and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the

cemetery.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven' t found out whether it' s a girl or a boy,

so I don' t know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jatinder fell in a the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he

fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and

he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died

trying to fulfil his father' s last wishes.

His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in

the process of digging a grave for his father.

Love Mom.

P.S : I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

7 Ways to Catch the LION.

1. Newton's Method:

Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is equal and opposite reaction.

Implies you caught lion .

2. Einstein Method:

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also

run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.

3. Schrodinger Method:

At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion to be in the cage.

So set the trap, sit down and wait.

4. Inverse Transformation Method:

We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it.

Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion.

Lion is in and we are out.

5. Thermodynamic Procedure:

We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows every thing to pass it except lions.

Then sweep the entire forest with it.

6. Integration Different ion Method:

Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion is some where in the result.

So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion.

7. The Arindam's Method:

DON'T EVEN TRY. YOU'LL GET CAUGHT BY THE LION.

Read aloud and laugh a bit

Mr. See owned a saw.

And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.

Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw

Before Soar saw See,

Which made Soar sore.

Had Soar seen See's saw

Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,

See's saw would not have sawed

Soar's seesaw.

So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.

But it was sad to see Soar so sore

Just because See's saw sawed

Soar's seesaw!

Identifying A "Blonde"

You can be sure that the person is a "Blonde" when he:

1. Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind.

2. Gets stabbed in a shoot-out.

3. Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.

4. Tries to drown a fish in water.

5. Thinks socialism means partying.

6. Trips over a cordless phone.

7. Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.

8. At the bottom of the application where it says: "Sign here," he puts

"Sagittarius."

9. Studies for a blood test and fails.

0. Sells the car for gas money.

11. Misses the 44 number bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.

12. Drives to the airport and sees a sign, "Airport left," then turns

around and goes home.

13. Gets locked in a furniture shop and sleeps on the floor.

Life line

A husband & wife were home one evening watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." The husband looks at the wife and says, "C'mon honey, lets go upstairs and fool around."

The wife says, "NO!" The husband says, "Aw c'mon. Let's go upstairs and fool around."
The wife again says, "NO!" The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says, "YES, that is my
final answer."

The husband then asks, "Can I phone a friend?"

The options

Santa tries his luck in Kaun Banega Crorepati.

Amitabh : Ek hazaar rupeyo ke liye, aapka pehla sawaal. What does "C" stand for,

in the term LIC? Aapke options:

A) Company B) Corporation C) Colony D) Cell.

Santa : Corporation!

Amitabh : Sure?

 Santa: Hah!

Amitabh : Confident!

Santa: Yes!

Amitabh : Lock kar doo! Santa: Haaji!

Amitabh : Computerji please lock option B - corporation.

Amitabh : Saahi jawab, aap ek hazaar rupey jeet gaye! Amitabh : Apne itna mushkil sawaal kaa jawaab diya... ab apse mein ek simple sawaal karoonga...

 Amitabh : Aapke pitaji ka naam kya hai?

Santa : (sits silently)

Amitabh : (After a long pause) What is your father's name?

Santa : (again sits silently, without uttering a word).

Amitabh : Aap chahe to aapke life lines istamal kar sakte hein.

Santa : (still sits silently, says nothing)

Amitabh : Kya ab backout karna chahte hai?

Santa : Oye nahi Amitji! Aapne abhi tak mujhe 4 options diye hi nahi!

Tell-tale

Signs You are a "Desi" when:

You keep switching your internet service provider because first month is free.

You have a bucket in your bath tub.

You have taken pictures of your car and mailed to your folks back home.

You've book marked immigration web pages in your browser.

You have collected enough frequent flier miles for a international trip.

You ask for small drink at fast food restaurant because the refill is free.

You talk to Americans as if you represent your whole country.

You ask before eating any meat "Is this beef?".

Heaven and Hell

Heaven is when you have :
An American Salary
A British Home
Chinese Food
An Indian Wife

Hell is when you have:
An American Wife
British Food
A Chinese Home
An Indian Salary

Nawaz Tests His Cabinet

Nawaz Sharif comes to Delhi for a meeting with Vajpayee. After dinner, Vajpayee says to Sharif: "Well, Nawaz, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant." "How do you know?" asks Nawaz. "Oh well, it's simple", says Atal. "They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second". He calls Advani over and says to him "Tell me Advaniji, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

"Ah, that's simple", says Advani, "it is me!" "Well done Advani", says Vajpayee and Nawaz Sharif is very impressed. He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in his favourite member of cabinet and asks: "Tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister? " He thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further Nawaz ? May I let you know tomorrow? "

"Of course", says Nawaz Sharif , "you've got 24 hours." He goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but no-one knows the answer. Twenty hours later, the member of Nawaz's cabinet is very worried still no answer and only 4 hours to go.

Eventually he says: "I'll ask Benazer, she's clever, she'll know the answer." He calls Benazer. "Benazir", he says, "tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

"Very simple", says Benazir, "it's me!" "Of course" says the Cabinet member and rings Nawaz Sharif. "Nawaz", says he, "I've got the answer: it's Benazer Bhutto". "No, you idiot", says Nawaz Sharif, "it's Advani".

Get Packed

Shortly after the lottery results are announced, the holder of a lucky ticket runs into his house shouting for his wife.

"Get packed," he yells. "Get packed!"

"Why?" she yells back. "What's happened?"

"I've – just – won – the – lottery," he answers her in a firm voice.

"Wow!" she responds. "That's really something! And I told you not to buy any more lottery tickets. Silly me.

"So anyway, Honey, what shall I pack? Warm clothes or cool ones?"

"I don't care," he says. "Just so you're out of here today."

Avid Golfer

A young man, who was an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly.

He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green. After the young man spent several minutes debating how to hit the shot, the old man said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball, which smacked solidly into the tree and dropped to the ground about one foot from where it had originally lay. The old man remarked, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."